I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
