honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
