Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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