what day is it and did you see me today?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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