I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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