i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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