I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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