Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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