I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
