I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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