dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
you made out with another girl for some wings
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
