He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
