I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
