It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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