I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
We need to get me chipped asap
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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