What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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