is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
