i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
