why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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