It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
