the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
