i'm lost and i look like a hooker
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
This is classic penis vs brain.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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