drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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