Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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