Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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