After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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