Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
