I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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