my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
