But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize