You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
