Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
