i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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