my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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