Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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