i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Randomize
