he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
