hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
