Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
