just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Let's get the cat blown out
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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