i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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