I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
