saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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