in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
