i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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