Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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