She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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