As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
