She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
