Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The feeling are messing with the penis
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
