why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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