How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
