he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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