What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I feel like death gave me a hand job
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
