I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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