He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
