I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Randomize