My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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