I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Randomize
