got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
