i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
