dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize