I look better un-naked...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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