Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
